I have often been told that I write only happy things, positive things. My take is that finding happiness is a state of mind and to see the positive in the most trying situation is also a state of mind. It sure has helped me keep my sanity. What am sharing today is about a very deep fear, is about one of my most vulnerable moments in recent times. Is there a positive out of this? There is. I believe all stories need to be told and here I draw deep strength to share about the days I lost to fear.
2017 began for me on a new note. I am making conscious efforts to work on some of my weaknesses and learn from them. Learning to say no has been one of my biggest learnings this year (a dedicated blog post to that another day). The last two months saw my health go through a roller coaster ride, awful wheezing that affected my daily activities. Thanks to a referral from a close friend, I met a new pulmonologist. I was told how my last ten years medication was primarily steroids , that in the long run has impacted my health in multiple ways. A new regime of meds and a healthier life style and I am all set to take care of my lungs and breathe easy.
Sometime in august, I had some vaginal bleeding and promptly met my gynaecologist. Post an initial examination, I was asked to take the pap smear in a few weeks to rule out any infection or cancerous cells. The doc assured me that I had nothing to worry but that the test was a precautionary thing. I have family history, where my dida (maternal grandmother) succumbed to cancer and my baba is a cancer survivor. Baba is one of the strongest people I know and I owe any iota of resilience that I show in difficult times to him. Yes, the C word. Right out of that closet sprung at me my greatest fear. What if? What if the genes caught up? What if I have it? What if it's incurable. What if I die? When I look back now, they seem like the most bizarre and irrational thoughts. I was shocked at how vulnerable I felt.
But at that moment, rationality flew out the window. I went from being and wanting to be all strong to weepy and messy in the head. I lost sleep, had nightmares of the worst kind. I almost thought I was indispensable and this can't happen to me. I wanted to see Ira grow up, I wondered what P and she would do, I wondered what would my parents and brother do, I thought about my closest circle.
The two things that kept me sane was P's humor in dealing with the situation and my work. Amidst busy consulting work, I coordinated the WiSER event, stood for the alumni association elections, travelled on work and attended meets. I also wrote in my day to day journal. Guess, that five year journal, a line a day will make some reading in five years.
At one point of time, when I was freaking out that the results were delayed, my significant other messaged me, "U aren't dying on me so quickly. I won't let u." Words fail if I have to express what that msg did to me, I just for those few minutes felt, it will all be fine. I just knew for the nth time that this is what love is all about.
I spent a lot of time thinking, mulling over the most mundane things, there were little sparks of feeling brave and strong gushes of despair. This was even while I was awaiting the results. I was also mentally preparing myself on how I would deal with the result, either way. Making Plan B, C and Z.
My results came out last week- negative for malignancy. Heart did that little dance, the mind went calm. P of course was confident that there was nothing wrong.
I realised at that moment what fear can do, anticipating the worst completely kills the present. I know many may have gone through such moments of fear. I know it's hard and I want all of us to know and believe that it is fine to feel that vulnerable, that broken and that scared. It is even more scarier to accept that you felt this vulnerable and weak and there is that moment of hesitation about whether you want to share what you felt and went through .
If my results were anything else, I may have been writing a different post.
For now, I am grateful for the life I have, I am thankful for my child, my partner, my family and my friends. 2017 has been a multi-fold lesson in gratitude and I will pass that on. Let's be thankful for all the love, health and happiness we have in life. Let us also be thankful for the hardships and the challenges. Because they all coexist, making their appearance sometimes in turn, sometimes in tandem.
For all the days I lost in fear, I look forward to the days ahead filled with renewed hope and acceptance for what lies ahead. What more can I ask for.
#life #fear #vulnerability #acceptance #gratitude #love #cancer
