41, accepting and liberating.

                 My first attempt at Gond art- 

                  'A woman seeking Liberation'

The birthday gone by! 

Blessed in many ways, grateful for many things. 

The year gone by has been trying and the focus has been to find space for myself amidst all the chaos. 

Had a quiet birthday with Ira and Prashant. He made some delicious food like always, I ate and took an afternoon siesta. Had a quiet birthday. Some would even term it boring and getting old :). Ira made a beautiful card and wrote, "I hope you are happy to be 41 years old today. " 

A friend dropped by and made ambodes for the birthday girl, another sent boxes of cakes and another boxful of sinful chocolate delights. The next afternoon, a nice lunch at home with 2 friends who have been our pillar of support constantly. 

I spent the afternoon attempting a Gond art. Learnt the basics as part of an interaction with Ira's school art teacher the previous evening. 

The heart was overwhelmed but the mind continued to be in chaos.  Some days, actually many days have been a battle for me. A person who stepped out at the drop of a hat today gets cold feet. I have almost stopped meeting people, I haven't met people for socialising in group larger than 6 to 8 (just one meet up with 8 people including us recently) in the last 2 years (not considering the days I go to MCC). I did not meet one of my closest friends who was leaving town. That is how deep the fear was. May be even irrational at some point. I have cancelled plans, postponed them indefinitely and have learnt not to make plans too. I have at times stopped even trying. 

I have had more quiet days than I have had in the last many many years. I am no more the person who sent the Good Morning message on groups diligently everyday (not random ones, but the ones with close friends). I hardly do calls and I hardly have stayed in touch with many friends. Friends have been kind and understanding. I have also lost friends and acquaintances and learnt that life goes on. 

I have learnt not to have the need to be wanted, to be seeked. I am still here, but I am learning to make peace with not existing, for people. Difficult for an extrovert who derives energy from being amidst people. 

What has kept me sane are my reading , my work, cooking,the two amazing people I live with, Baba, Ma and Joy; and some friends.

'He' has been my anchor. The acceptance, the hugs, the unconditional love and the difficult conversations when I most needed them, some random plans to push me beyond that comfort zone, the understanding of the silent and weepy moments. My little girl has been a star. She has seen me dazed, losing my cool and just not being in my element. She has helped me be stronger and push myself in these dark moments. She has helped me be a mother who takes care of herself first, so that she can be there ready for the day ahead. 

So, to the year to come. The challenges may continue, the road continues to be rough. I hope to find moments with myself, focus just on self. Do things for myself and my well-being. And find the acceptance of these fears, thoughts and actions liberating. 

Happy 41 to me. <3 

#HappyBirthday #41sBirthday #Happiness #Gratitude #Acceptance #Love #Pramadhs #Ira  #Us #Family #Parents #Liberating 

The days I lost to fear!

I have often been told that I write only happy things, positive things. My take is that finding happiness is a state of mind and to see the positive in the most trying situation is also a state of mind. It sure has helped me keep my sanity. What am sharing today is about a very deep fear, is about one of my most vulnerable moments in recent times. Is there a positive out of this? There is. I believe all stories need to be told and here I draw deep strength to share about the days I lost to fear.

2017 began for me on a new note. I am making conscious efforts to work on some of my weaknesses and learn from them. Learning to say no has been one of my biggest learnings this year (a dedicated blog post to that another day). The last two months saw my health go through a roller coaster ride, awful wheezing that affected my daily activities. Thanks to a  referral from a close friend, I met a new pulmonologist. I was told how my last ten years medication was primarily steroids , that in the long run has impacted my health in multiple ways. A new regime of meds and a healthier life style and I am all set to take care of my lungs and breathe easy.

Sometime in august, I had some vaginal bleeding and promptly met my gynaecologist. Post an initial examination, I was asked to take the pap smear in a few weeks to rule out any infection or cancerous cells. The doc assured me that I had nothing to worry but that the test was a precautionary thing. I have family history, where my dida (maternal grandmother) succumbed to cancer and my baba is a cancer survivor. Baba is one of the strongest people I know and I owe any iota of resilience that I show in difficult times to him. Yes, the C word. Right out of that closet sprung at me my greatest fear. What if? What if the genes caught up? What if I have it? What if it's incurable. What if I die? When I look back now, they seem like the most bizarre and irrational thoughts. I was shocked at how vulnerable I felt. 

But at that moment, rationality flew out the window. I went from being and wanting to be all strong to weepy and messy in the head. I lost sleep, had nightmares of the worst kind. I almost thought I was indispensable and this can't happen to me. I wanted to see Ira grow up, I wondered what P and she would do, I wondered what would my parents and brother do, I thought about my closest circle. 

The two things that kept me sane was P's humor in dealing with the situation and my work. Amidst busy consulting work, I coordinated the WiSER event, stood for the alumni association elections, travelled on work and attended meets. I also wrote in my day to day journal. Guess, that five year journal, a line a day will make some reading in five years.

At one point of time, when I was freaking out that the results were delayed, my significant other messaged me,  "U aren't dying on me so quickly. I won't let u." Words fail if I have to express what that msg did to me, I just for those few minutes felt, it will all be fine. I just knew for the nth time that this is what love is all about.

I spent a lot of time thinking, mulling over the most mundane things, there were little sparks of feeling brave and strong gushes of despair. This was even while I was awaiting the results. I was also mentally preparing myself on how I would deal with the result, either way. Making Plan B, C and Z.

My results came out last week- negative for malignancy. Heart did that little dance, the mind went calm. P of course was confident that there was nothing wrong. 

I realised at that moment what fear can do, anticipating the worst completely kills the present. I know many may have gone through such moments of fear. I know it's hard and I want all of us to know and believe that it is fine to feel that vulnerable, that broken and that scared. It is even more scarier to accept that you felt this vulnerable and weak and there is that moment of hesitation about whether you want to share what you felt and went through . 

If my results were anything else, I may have been writing a different post. 

For now, I am grateful for the life I have, I am thankful for my child, my partner, my family and my friends. 2017 has been a multi-fold lesson in gratitude and I will pass that on. Let's be thankful for all the love, health and happiness we have in life. Let us also be thankful for the hardships and the challenges. Because they all coexist, making their appearance sometimes in turn, sometimes in tandem.

For all the days I lost in fear, I look forward to the days ahead filled with renewed hope and acceptance for what lies ahead. What more can I ask for.

#life #fear #vulnerability #acceptance #gratitude #love #cancer

Hello World, See you in a while!

Dear Me,

That moment when the 'pain' is bigger than what the mind can manage and the body can take, let go. Slow down, calm your restless mind, stop making freaking imagery of missed deadlines, take that break, slack, do nothing!
Ligament tear induced 'pain' break.
Make the grand announcement, "Hello World, See you in a while!"

Love,
Me only

#micro-blogging #break #ligamenttear #painatanotherlevel #Mtrails