Look at their world through their eyes, when mommyhood feels hard

Look at their world through their eyes!
   
The last two days has been a roller coaster ride in some ways. Our little girl has been sprightly and supremely assertive , wanting to do her own thing. She wants to eat her way, meal times have been long. No is the most common answer. If she wants something and we refuse, she gets very upset.

She is developing her personality and finding her way in this world where adults can be very confusing. I say this because at times we forget to look at their world through their eyes and we look at it through our eyes. We often miss the finer details of why they are upset, why they are adamant, why they want something their way. We forget that little human beings are finding their ways and their little feet will take strides and figure out how to overcome the hurdles on their way.

This note is a reminder to self, a reminder to a mamma who is having an exceptionally hard few days controlling her temper. Am usually very even tempered and have tons of patience. Am not proud of how I have reacted, raised my voice and gritted my teeth. In retrospect, I should have handled my temper better, I should know that she will mirror my behavior, I should understand that she is right from her perspective.

For me, these have been hard days, very hard. I have been in tears after a screaming bout because that is not me and that is not what I want her to remember when she goes to bed that night, that mamma screamed at her. Thankfully, Papa has been balancing things out and telling me when am going overboard. Parenting is hard and parenting is team work. We all need to remember that.

This note is to tell all my other mommy friends that many of us will have such days, days when we are not how we think we should be as mothers. But this too shall pass. Am I being hard on myself? May be I am. Because parenting has been the most fulfilling experience of my life, with the happy glorious days and the sad difficult days like this. Parenthood has changed me, like forever.
We just came to her karate class after a gap of a few days. While she walked into class, I got a hug and flying kisses. It is a heart melting moment, the moments that define parenthood.

I remember writing a post almost a year back about parenting being a heartbreaking and heartmelting moment. Guess this is what I do best when am happy and am sad, I write. It is my way to find solace, my route to catharsis.
The learning is simple for days like this, "Look at their world through their eyes, when mommyhood feels hard".

#Parenting #Parenthood #Mommyhood #Ira #Iraisms #TalesAtFour #NoteToSelf

Keeping ‘Little Human Beings’ busy…the Ira way

March 24^th to June 7^th, 2017 will always be a historic summer for us. Ira’s first summer holidays. As parents, this phase involves a multitude of emotions.

Some thoughts that bring relief- Mornings may be a little less rushed next few weeks, no pondering what to pack for the multiple little boxes, how to keep cold and fever at bay for your little one when every other kid has a runny nose or a stuffy nose, a cough or a sneeze or just that irritating bug.

The primary summer concern- How to keep the active, excited, non-stop chattering little human being occupied for the next 75 days! I like to make plans, make lists and strategize. We do believe in unstructured play but I did vehemently plan play dates. We wanted her to do her own thing but we also wanted her to be a part of the summer camps and experience something new. Ira is an early riser and we did hope that she sleeps in longer during these days.

Summer Camp and Party Time

This decision was very easy and yet, a bit hard. While listening to moms talking about how this is a real break, kids must just play at home or visit family or do nothing, a part of me began tripping on the guilt path. I am currently a freelance consultant, working primarily from home. However, the busy days can be real hard. I knew the summer camp choice was for two reasons- 1. We get those few hours to work while she is at the camp 2. Summer camp promises to be a fun learning experience for her. P and I decided to send her for all of them. The themes were sea creatures, space and earth. She absolutely loved the first one. We conclude going by the loot of things she brought home on the last day of the camp, post the party and excitedly showed us. Otherwise, every day when we asked what she did, a stoic silence or nothing was the reply. The second one she attended the first day before coming down with a nasty bug that lasted over a week. She did return to the third camp all smiles and learnt about earth.

Learnings:

·         Ira had fun

·         She learnt a lot of new things. She learnt about submarines, lighthouse, germination, earth and more

·         She made new friends

·         She finally took to the water play

·         She was excited every morning to go to the camp, most excited about the party day

·         It was a decision well taken

·         Happiness guaranteed when you listen to your little one constantly sing, “Big blue whale, big blue whale…s(w)imming in the water…”

Chores and Activities galore

Ira quite likes the outdoors. She loves the parks and play areas. This summer, she also got a pretty good hang of her balance bike and now all our friends who visit are shown her biking skills. While we did some crafts activities, did vegetable painting, finger painting, block prints, glue and paper activities, these would last for a few minutes to maximum half an hour. However, they often set the momentum for the day and the excitement to show her papa what she did that day when he came home from work. Ira ofcourse took on the task of sweeping and swobbing every other day, post Usha  (our house help) finishing her work. She helped us cut veggies (under parental guidance only) and even stirred the alu bhaja in the kadai. The idea is to make the chores fun and ensure the activities don’t seem like chores. We have always spoken to Ira like she is an adult and we followed the same dictum with getting her involved in the activities. So, she sprayed water on the car and cleaned the surface, we used the veggies she cut and we also ate the veggies she stirred on the kadai. Activities give them a sense of independence and is a great source of encouragement. While some days are creative and some days, we just sat and watched a movie. Even mamma feeling lazy had its perks.

Learnings:

·         Kids like to be involved in home chores

·         Chores to be carried out under parental guidance only

·         Mix and Match the activities- building blocks, painting and craft, car washing. Assured of happy times.

·         What works today may not work tomorrow, to keep them occupied. Kids are smart, can think of a thousand things to do. Eg. Watering a concrete wall, cleaning the jhaadu strands. The list is endless.

Experiment is thy Name

1.       Can I slackline on the window?

2.       Can I make carrot soup(imaginary) for you?

3.       Can I take one photo in your phone?

4.       Can I work on my small lappot (laptop)?

5.       Can I go down by myself in the lift?

Pretend play, Unstructured play and no play becomes the norm some days. Replicating our conversations with either Bonnie or Leo or Snowy, while is entertaining for us, is serious business for Ira. We once in a while gave her the phone to take that one pic. The result would be burst shorts, gallery full of pics and a happy little human being. While we are quite strict about electronics and gadget usage, we gave her with limited time and some ground rules. She of course plays a surfer game and makes cakes in the pebble bay with elan now.

Learnings:

·         Sometimes let the child be and discover all the things they can be- astronaut, dinosaur, doctor, teacher, dancer, story teller, chef, photographer, movie buff.

We love People

Summer holidays also meant she spent ample time with her Dadu-Dida and Joy, her Ajji and also her Mashidida, Meshodadu and Rony. While she went shopping with them, bought veggies and her favorite fruits, she also demanded that elusive lollypop. Grandparents are a child’s best friend because they never say No! While Ira discovered how to make their world turn around her, we realised how with her, they rediscover the child within. We also planned some play dates and met a lot of babies (says Ira). Having friends over and busy weekends drove home the point again that today as most of us live in nuclear setups, children naturally crave for people around them. Like P often jokes that she must be at times bored of just seeing us.

Learnings:

·         Play dates meant chaos, fun and ‘learning to share toys’.

·         Play dates are a great way for the mommies and daddies to get to know the other mommies and daddies

·         Being and introduced as Ira’s mom or Ira’s dad becomes the norm

·         Summer break is a boon for the grandparents

·         The little human beings absorb all the love around, it can never be enough

·         Learning to express love though a hug or a peck is a big step for their little feet

On the last day of her holiday, while playing with kinder blocks, Ira made a car in which she was going to school and mamma was saying bye. The eyes moisten at this moment because you realise that your baby is now a ‘little girl’. Please note that now Ira likes to be referred to as a little girl as she feels she is no more a baby. What seemed like so many days, are now gone past and we are left with memories of her first summer break to recount, write and talk about. Summer holiday also seems like a growth spurt time, literally. The kids seem taller and there is a tremendous increase in vocabulary. Must be the summer sunshine effect. Like Ira would say, “First of all guys, that’s my logic”.

'Happy' Parenting- heart breaking & heart melting at the same time

Parenting is hard. It is probably the most difficult thing you have done and you are doing a decent job, trust me. There will be many such moments in the coming years like this morning. Moments when you lose your cool and you actually scream at your 31 month old. That split second when you raise your voice and have a stern face and the next moment when your little ones eyes swell up with tears and she weeps and says, "Please don't sceem Mamma". It is the most heart breaking moment. Like their first vaccination or the first time when she fell on her face, cut her lip and bled a lot; like that time when she had such high fever that she just clung to us all through the day and that time when she needed the superhero mask (nebulization) to take care of that nasty cough. It is that kind of heart breaking.

There will be many such moments because as your child grows, you are also learning with them. There will be moments of pure frustration, moments of anguish, moments when you just want to scream your head off. There are times when you feel that your toddler understands everything and then that time when they just don't get what you are saying. As parents, us being stern, strict and being vocal about it is all well meaning and we can hope that our child will see that.

While I wallowed in self guilt and my mind ran a maze of articles on parenting I had read- strict and liberal parenting, role of punishment and reinforcements, children and sense of entitlement; and of course it was all fuzzy. I was high on emotions and rationality was in slumber.

While as parents, patience is the biggest thing we have learnt, we also need to learn that we must not be so harsh on ourselves. We need to cut ourselves some slack. These little beings are more resilient and perceptive than we can imagine. They also forget these moments quicker than we do. Post her mamma's meltdown, she had her breakfast, got ready for school, enquired what her snacks and lunch is, sang rhymes and hugged me in the cab all the way to school. I told her am sorry that I screamed at her and she just nodded her head and hugged me. A heart melting moment.

While your little one is being a child, you are also being a parent and it is a new experience for both. Happy Parenting! Love them, cuddle them, kiss them, scold them, be stern, be a parent in every way.

'Freedom' deciphered, the Ira-way

Dear Ira,

You went to school today, dressed in white to celebrate Independence Day. A day that celebrates the freedom that we have and nurture.

# Celebrating Freedom

Freedom is very precious, the freedom to make choices and the freedom to be free. All the things that you do, your imagined plays, your activity time, your creative conversations...all of it reflect elements of freedom. The meaning of the word is simple, while the hues it takes may differ as you grow up. Every year, your Papa and I will see you expressing your freedom in a whole new way.

Buying toys and clothes is always a fascinating experience. We love the way you run to the 'ball' segment, each time we visit a leading sports item store; we love the way you choose the school bag you want or the tee shirt that you shall wear, irrespective of which segment it is categorised into. We just a few days back got you your first kitchen set and what ensued was a three course meal. Understanding that food and kitchen are for all and to take pride in that rice, dal and grated carrot sabji you are making with elan. You love your Ben-the plane and Thomas-the engine and so do we.

#Freedom from Gender Norms

Your recent creative pursuits keep us on our toes and we try and find new ways that we think will make activity time interesting for you. Am thrilled that you have taken to the blocks that were bought at a fair and you are happily 'painting' away. Flowers and Butterflies have added both the sunshine and colour to your activity time. Ofcourse, you want to now paint the flowers all over!

#Creative Freedom

Every morning when you wake up and say, Good morning and ensure Bonnie (a Lion, soft toy) also does the same, you are filled with a zeal to take on the day. Ofcourse, as parents we want to see all this and more in you. When we look back years later, you will realise that, that moment when you wore that mask we made and posed like you had super powers just made the super powers a reality. The super power to be uninhibited, the super power to be amazingly animated and dramatic and enjoy every moment of it; the super power to not worry about expectations but do what you love, the super power to be yourself.

#Freedom to have and showoff that super power

#Freedom to be self

So, my baby, keep that sense of freedom, respect it, embrace it and thrive in it.

Love you,
Your Mamma

The innumerable new possibilities ahead...

Dear Ira,

You have completed 5 weeks of school. It is a milestone, a milestone for you and a milestone for us. The last few weeks have been a revelation in seeing you in a new environment, adapting, learning, finding your foothold, taking those baby steps. From day one when you walked in without a drop of tear, all smiling and excited to day two, when you wailed your guts out. And on being asked why you crying, you said, " everybody crying". One of the first experiences of yours in collective behaviour this is and there will be many many more. In five weeks now, you go in smiling and you come out happy and for us, that seems like a moment of celebration every single day.

Parenting is complex, and your joining Montessori has made us realise this even more. Day one when you walked in smiling and my eyes swelled up with tears and my racing heart was what parenting is about. That moment when you walked out smiling after an hour of being inside and your Papa fisted his hand in the air and said, yes emphatically is what parenting is about. Parenting is selfish, parenting is about feel good moments, parenting is about hoping there will be less mishaps, parenting is about reading tons of parenting articles in a hope to master the 'parenting', parenting is about letting your heart fight your mind. Parenting is also about discovering the multitude of OCDs. When Papa checks if you have finished your snack and drank water and when mamma checks if you managed to understand 'washroom' instructions and use the facility. Parenting is about making every moment a moment of celebration. Schools today give us the perfect opportunity to do that in style. You had a red day and we proudly sent you in a red attire with a red Frisbee.

These nano achievements give your parents more happiness than they ever imagined. Every Friday is ethnic day and we are stocking up on the kurtis and the crushed skirts and drooling over the fusion themes. You also celebrated Eid and brought home your first greeting card. Awwie!!

We, every moment analyse our choice of the school, we find things that substantiate our choice for you. We as parents do what seems best at that moment for you and we are happy about this choice that we have made.

Ira, you have been a total rockstar these last few weeks. What you have done is big- waking up to an alarm ( yes yes... Papa is getting her used to a frog croaking sound alarm on the ipod), staying away from mamma and papa for few hours, making new friends in a whole new place, listening and following to instructions from teachers and aunties, learning to share your snack box on the way back home when we carpool with a friend, telling us about your day and bringing back small snippets of notices wrapped in your little hands carefully. You have begun to make choices, like choosing a dino school bag over an owl one or a sophie (Giraffe) one. These small steps in decision making will make you an individual by your own right. Even choosing which happy socks to wear! Small decisions but real big deal:)

You have also bravely dealt with a bad bout of infection and the eagerness to go back to school after three days of sick leave just was so awesome. We have learnt that you play hide and seek every other day and also ringa ringa roses. You have told us that you color, aunty sings songs, you have been told " no stamping on the mat" and ofcourse, " swim..swim...oh no!". We are so very glad that your school had the rhyme day for parents and we were finally able to decipher the swim swim poem and have learnt it with the eagerness of a two year old and taken the videos.

There never was a dull moment with you around and in the last five weeks, the entertainment is on a record and repeat mode and we are loving it. There are also challenging moments, but shall leave that for another post.

This is just the beginning of a long journey, a journey where we hope you learn the essence of education, the importance of treating people with love and respect; you discover yourself and you let us discover ourselves as parents. You learn to love yourself and love the world.

While you begin school, we rewind and re-begin a fascinating journey with you.
Looking forward to the play dates, the craft works, the story times and the rhyme sessions, the photos capturing the precious....and the innumerable new possibilities ahead...

Love you to the moon and back,
Your Mamma

I will be a Mamma like this...

Dear Ira,
I want to be a mamma who helps you discover your 'iraisms',
Who will be beside you as you find yourself, lose yourself and reinvent yourself,
Who will be there to guide, to mentor,  to argue, to critique.
Who will be there to encourage, to motivate.
Who will let you be,  with your messy hair,  your quirky ideas,  your passionate moments & mad dreams.
I will be a mamma like this and  lot more.
Our 'Earth Rejoiced' as you came into our lives and our lives just got more beautiful.
Love you always,
Your Mamma
#mothersdaymoments #iraisms #mamma

Written on May 8th, 2016