41, accepting and liberating.

                 My first attempt at Gond art- 

                  'A woman seeking Liberation'

The birthday gone by! 

Blessed in many ways, grateful for many things. 

The year gone by has been trying and the focus has been to find space for myself amidst all the chaos. 

Had a quiet birthday with Ira and Prashant. He made some delicious food like always, I ate and took an afternoon siesta. Had a quiet birthday. Some would even term it boring and getting old :). Ira made a beautiful card and wrote, "I hope you are happy to be 41 years old today. " 

A friend dropped by and made ambodes for the birthday girl, another sent boxes of cakes and another boxful of sinful chocolate delights. The next afternoon, a nice lunch at home with 2 friends who have been our pillar of support constantly. 

I spent the afternoon attempting a Gond art. Learnt the basics as part of an interaction with Ira's school art teacher the previous evening. 

The heart was overwhelmed but the mind continued to be in chaos.  Some days, actually many days have been a battle for me. A person who stepped out at the drop of a hat today gets cold feet. I have almost stopped meeting people, I haven't met people for socialising in group larger than 6 to 8 (just one meet up with 8 people including us recently) in the last 2 years (not considering the days I go to MCC). I did not meet one of my closest friends who was leaving town. That is how deep the fear was. May be even irrational at some point. I have cancelled plans, postponed them indefinitely and have learnt not to make plans too. I have at times stopped even trying. 

I have had more quiet days than I have had in the last many many years. I am no more the person who sent the Good Morning message on groups diligently everyday (not random ones, but the ones with close friends). I hardly do calls and I hardly have stayed in touch with many friends. Friends have been kind and understanding. I have also lost friends and acquaintances and learnt that life goes on. 

I have learnt not to have the need to be wanted, to be seeked. I am still here, but I am learning to make peace with not existing, for people. Difficult for an extrovert who derives energy from being amidst people. 

What has kept me sane are my reading , my work, cooking,the two amazing people I live with, Baba, Ma and Joy; and some friends.

'He' has been my anchor. The acceptance, the hugs, the unconditional love and the difficult conversations when I most needed them, some random plans to push me beyond that comfort zone, the understanding of the silent and weepy moments. My little girl has been a star. She has seen me dazed, losing my cool and just not being in my element. She has helped me be stronger and push myself in these dark moments. She has helped me be a mother who takes care of herself first, so that she can be there ready for the day ahead. 

So, to the year to come. The challenges may continue, the road continues to be rough. I hope to find moments with myself, focus just on self. Do things for myself and my well-being. And find the acceptance of these fears, thoughts and actions liberating. 

Happy 41 to me. <3 

#HappyBirthday #41sBirthday #Happiness #Gratitude #Acceptance #Love #Pramadhs #Ira  #Us #Family #Parents #Liberating